I just read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s one of those books worth exploring for the sake of cultural literacy. I wanted to understand its ongoing popularity, especially since some of my good friends value its message. Now I can at least join the conversation and gain stronger insight into what motivates others.
I can see why some critics consider How to Win Friends predatory, analytically thin, and intellectually dishonest. The title of the book makes this self-evident. Sinclair Lewis said the text teaches the reader how to “smile and bob and pretend to be interested in other people’s hobbies precisely so that you may screw things out of them.” Indeed, some of Carnegie’s strategies seem tailor made for those who like to prey on the naive, e.g., “Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes,” or “Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers,” or “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.” Not everyone is so gullible or emotionally desperate.
On the other hand, How to Win Friends and Influence People offers a host of invaluable precepts that can lead to a better life. Good things happen to those who tether well-intentioned reason and sincerity to the applications. And many of us do have much to learn about functioning more effectively in social environments. For instance, smart people avoid indelicate criticism and pointless arguments.
In fact, Carnegie recommends avoiding arguments altogether. A rhetorician might bristle at the thought, but consider the benefits of focusing on less pugnacious ends. We should genuinely care about what others think and say as often as possible. Doing so fosters strong listening skills, expands our knowledge base, and enables us to forge meaningful relationships. Carnegie even underscores the importance of remembering people’s names. Oops!
Process-based writing asks us to make good use of certain elements that can clarify and then actualize our intentions. This isn’t always easy since intentionality can be so misguided or unstable. Working to become a better person means more than winning friends and influencing people. In the end, you want to be able to live comfortably in your own skin. Still, the two agendas aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. It’s best when they function harmoniously. Keeping this in mind helps place the book’s message in the proper perspective.
