I sat in English class trying to write a paragraph, drawing a blank. I started writing on a topic. Then I realized that what I had written didn’t make any sense. My sentences weren’t clear. I didn’t have the vocabulary I wanted to use right away, and I couldn’t use the translator because I was running out of time. I erased what I had written. I thought if I could just calm down and start thinking in my native language, I could do it.
Then, I started to write on a different topic. I wanted to tell the teacher I was tired and had no idea what to say. Feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed, I just smiled at the girl sitting next to me and said, “I really don’t have anything to write about.” I told myself, “I have to think of something. I can’t appear the fool.” I couldn’t admit to failing. I had written only five words. The teacher went to look at my peer’s writing. I figured I would want to disappear from the classroom if he said something to me.
A few minutes later, it happened! The teacher looked at the computer I was working at. He said he liked my work. I answered, “It isn’t very clear, is it?” I told him it was so frustrating, not having the vocabulary to express what I wanted. I didn’t know how I was taking that class. He noticed my desperation. He said, “I think you’re doing great.” He kindly asked me to write just one sentence about how I was feeling about having to learn a second language. I felt a little relaxed. I wrote something I have heard a few times: “I hope I can speak Spanish as well as you speak English.”
It’s true. Reaching this point in my life makes me a winner. I’m taking college classes and proudly getting good grades. And, I bet I’m not the only one having these feelings where you want to disappear, not only from the classroom, but from the world. Regardless, I’ll never give up, even though writing this took me over an hour.
***
Angela Martinez is a writer from the Colorado Springs area.
