Denis Leary had a song in his one-man show “No Cure for Cancer” called Asshole. In it, he details examples of people he considers eligible for the tainted designation. A lot of observational standup comedy is devoted to complaints about assholes. Anal oriented individuals certainly don’t appear to be an endangered species. Which is too bad since if they were, Scott Pruitt would finish them off. Exhibit A is that during the Trump effort to gut the Affordable Care Act, Republican Congressman Mo Brooks of Alabama said, “People who live good lives don’t have to worry about preexisting conditions.” This is a staggering example of assholery even by the “pussy-grabbing” Trump administration standards. It is a statement so wrong on so many levels, it could be given as a final exam question in an ethics, religion, or rhetoric class. “Name three logical fallacies exhibited by this statement and explain how its inverse disproves the premise.”
There is, of course, a scientific explanation for this plethora of posterior oriented behavior. It all starts with a mass of undifferentiated cells called a blastopore. All people start out as a fertilized egg, which is a single cell that then begins dividing into two, then four, then eight identical cells. This cell division continues until the mass of cells (the blastopore) folds over and creates a pocket. The pocket becomes a tube that turns into the digestive system. The opening that forms in the initial fold eventually becomes either the mouth or the anus of the organism. Most organisms form the mouth first and are known as protostomes. Organisms that form the anus first are called deuterostomes. Guess which one humans are?
Most of us outgrow our asshole first mentality. In fact, our success as a species depended upon it. At the core, assholes are incapable or unwilling to acknowledge the humanity and equality of others. Assholes think they are better than everyone else and see their needs, wants, and whims as more important than those of others. If someone is inconvenienced by them cutting in line or parking in a handicap space, that’s too bad. When they have a need, that’s what is important and all that matters. However, it is important to remember that humans got to the top of the food chain by social bonding. Tribes could accomplish what individuals could not in terms of hunting, farming, and protecting themselves. Most people understand and accept that their needs are not more important than the group’s needs or the needs of others in the group.
One of the ironies in the Trump camp is that they hurl insults at their enemies by calling them elitists who think they are better than everyone else. Meanwhile, Trump, his family, and much of his administration know they are better than the rest of us. If you don’t believe that, check out the social media records of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and his wife as they cruised around the world on the taxpayer’s dime and then tweeted about “how adorable” we are for complaining. They are the very definition of asshole entitlement. The current administration is rife with assholes who think the public should pay for $30,000 tables, bulletproof desks, Disneyland vacations, weekly golf trips, and 24/7 security that would make a Mafia don blush.
For those who think I’m being too harsh on Republicans, I would say that they are the most visible, most powerful, and proud of their anal activity in the current social landscape. While I admit that liberals like Harvey Weinstein, the entire male Hollywood infrastructure, and Al Franken certainly qualify for the top one hundred list of the Posterior Pantheon of Infamy, their effects on the rest of us are rather limited. An actress having to perform (deliberate double entendre) in order to get a part in a movie does not have the same impact on general society compared to someone who wants to deny health coverage to poor people based on discredited Calvinist theology. (Yes, I know I am disregarding how the poisonous example set by Hollywood permeates the rest of society. Whatever your view, it’s still a byproduct and not a primary effect. One topic at a time.)
So what can we do about all of these breech birth individuals? I think a little of Dr. Martin Luther King is useful in this case. When it comes to the major league, prime time, poop artists, there isn’t a lot we can do except for in the voting booth and on social media. But we can follow Voltaire’s advice about tending our own garden using the tactics of Dr. King and the Dali Llama. We can, gently and without anger, point out to someone that putting thirty items on a ten-items-or-less conveyer belt is the product of poor social upbringing. Not being angry is an important component of your reminder. If you can’t point out the behavior rationally and reasonably, then it’s best to let it go, because the object of your teaching lesson may not be ready to hear it and might react with anger. If both of you are angry, then there’s a good chance that both of you will look like assholes to bystanders.
Unless, of course, that person steals the parking space you were waiting for with your blinker on. We have to draw the line somewhere.
